John: 1990s, We Hardly Knew Ye
It has recently become increasingly clear to me just how badly the 90s are aging. In Demolition Man, bright colors, plasticky sets, and tall, amorphous hair abound in a more-80s-than-80s pastiche, making the viewer yearn for the faintest hint of 30s classiness, 50s greaser rebellion, or 70s grit and grime. The ridiculous computer graphics look worse than the now-defunct touchscreen ordering pads once used by Arby’s (they did exist, I swear), and watching Wesley Snipes gallavant around San Angeles in his bright red and blue outfit made me think, involuntarily, of Super Mario. In the “movies to pass out to” genre, I give this one 3.5 stars out of 5.
Laureen: The Future Is Saved by Spandex
The first thing that struck me about Demolition Man was its uncanny resemblance to Brave New World — if you took the book and watered it down, added Disneyland-style
future cars, and censored all mention of soma. Then, at some point in my post-movie, Pho Me Now-fueled dreams, I put it all together: Sandra Bullock co-stars as police officer Lenina Huxley, Aldous Huxley wrote BNW, and Lenina is one of its main characters. Oh, Demolition Man. Really.
Despite all that, Demolition Man has its moments: Wesley Snipes makes an attempt at thespianism while wearing waterproof overalls, Sandra Bullock finds a way to completely rock her spandex policewoman pants, and Stallone isn’t actually in the film for the first twenty minutes after the opening credits. Overall, the future isn’t all bad.
The Consensus: Well, you probably shouldn’t be sober. Some kind of greasy late-night delivery wouldn’t hurt either.
Biggest Surprise: The writers show a rare moment of prescience when they predict Schwarzenegger will end up in politics.
Favorite Character: The machine that tickets Stallone every time he drops an F-bomb.
Most Necessary Re-Do: The whole naked cryogenic freezing scene. Next time around, please please ban all butt cheek.
New Tagline: Stallone: Use or Freeze by Expiration Date
